Posted in Motherhood

Take two… or three… or seventeen.

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I’ve made several attempts to write something- anything- over the past several months. Maybe it’s the magic (or fucking chaos) of the holidays, but here I am, typing my exhausted heart out.

A lot has happened this year. Things that I wouldn’t have predicted. Some wonderful things. Some things that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Some things that have inspired and required far more yoga breathing than ever before. All of that is a very long post for another day.

For now, some basic housekeeping items because I’m super lame and say things like ‘basic housekeeping items’ to nobody in particular.

Now that Owen and Kayla look less like beautiful, squishy, potatoes and more like Owen and Kayla 1.0 (still beautiful, still squishy, definitely not potatoes), I won’t be sharing photos of them on here. It’s a personal preference not to share these things to the general public. As an older human being, it’s my choice what to share about myself, whether it be thoughts or images. Ironically, I love seeing other people’s children grow up online. If anyone does ever read this, I want to know that it could never cause these kiddos any future upset because mommy wanted to show off the adorable prints on their diapers or their matching outfits. (If I know you personally, I will 100% be showing you photos, on photos, on photos- but not here and not sorry).

Milestones are also something that you won’t be reading much about. All of that is documented privately. They are milestone superstars and I am incredibly proud of them.

Some things I wish I had known pre-twins:

  • like it or not, you will have weird post-pregnancy half bangs- buy headbands
  • it is difficult to accept help- for the benefit of the babies, don’t just accept help- welcome it- encourage it
  • you will become that person muttering to yourself at the grocery store and buying toilet paper because it’s on sale- steer into the skid
  • breastfeeding can be both physically and emotionally challenging (and impossible for many)- may you never have a biter… or, if you do, may it be one twin and not both (thankfully, it’s just one biter over here… or not thankfully?)
  • make good use of Amazon Prime subscriptions (if anyone ever wants to pay me for writing that, I’m cool with that)- seriously, every penny counts
  • sleep or use the bathroom whenever possible
  • your concept of ‘self-care’ will change dramatically to the point where you might consider the following things remarkable: getting a new toothbrush head, going to any healthcare appointment (this reminds me, I still need to re-schedule that dentist appointment), washing your hair, reading more than two pages of a book, writing more than two sentences in a blog, petting your dog, remembering you have two dogs
  • you get no extra government benefits or maternity leave for having twins (gee, thanks)
  • you will get an uncomfortable amount of attention wherever you go- here’s hoping you’re an extrovert
  • on a good day, you CAN manage to navigate Ikea alone with two babies, cart your purchases and double stroller back to the car, tetris everything (including the babies, of course) into the car, and make the trunk close all while keeping your twins fed, happy, and entertained- (pro tip from an amateur: avoid small talk with the seventeenth person to ask you if boy/girl twins can be identical and choose the shortest check out line)
  • people with singletons don’t really seem to understand what your day entails- some try to, some just ignore you, some assume they can imagine exactly what it must be like (after all, they have more than one kid too)… but, hey, twin moms wouldn’t know the challenges of higher order multiples parents either

At the end of the day, there is still so much to do and even more to learn.

Posted in Motherhood

Endless Cuddles, Diapers, Burps, and Love

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A year ago, I would have found it difficult to conceptualize truly enjoying offering other humans a hand to hold and cuddles while working on their poops. This now seems like the most normal thing in the world.

I think I’ve hit my stride with my mom uniform. Tank top, nursing bra, pj pants (or leggings), and a messy bun (or pony tail); if you see me in anything else, please feel free to be both surprised and impressed.

It’s incredible how quickly these little dinosaurs are growing and changing. Owen has mastered rolling from his belly to his back and can do this in both directions. From his back, he can make it onto his side and shimmy like it’s going out of style. He’s enamored with a little lion wrist rattle and a vibrating chair. Kayla now has the dexterity to suck her thumb if she doesn’t happen to have a soother. She belches with more gusto than her mommy and enjoys batting at the friendly giraffe that hangs above the aforementioned chair. Both still have ravenous appetites and like to grab and hold hands, clothes, and occasionally glasses.

This week, we’ve figured out how to tandem nurse. It’s not an every time thing (and may never be because it’s really lovely to have one on one time with each of them), but the ability seems like a small accomplishment. I’ve learned how to get to and comfort one baby with the other still suckling on a breast. I’ve learned that my ability to hold my own bladder is still very well intact. I’ve learned movements that you shouldn’t do with an incision that’s still healing (oops).

Although I would love to document every moment with these perfect creatures, I’ve decided that writing once a week is probably all that will be possible. As much as it would be neat to look back and have had it all written out, the priority is staying attentive and present to keep these twinners healthy and happy.

Posted in Motherhood

Under the Influence of Sleep Deprivation, Titles Are Hard

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Gone are the days of silence. I will remember them fondly.

I don’t want to say that parenting is a non-stop headache, but so far, parenting is a non-stop headache. It’s not the squawks, dinosaur grunts or even cries that are the culprit. It’s the inconsistent, unpredictable sleep. It’s spending extra time around adults when my introverted side is yelling at me to avoid interaction with anything other than tiny humans or animals. I’m well aware that in a couple of months, I will be begging for adult conversation, but right now I would harvest my own left kidney to go a day without other full-sized people-folk. (And I do say that with love in my heart).

Today, my right nipple is challenging my will to breastfeed. Is it just me, or does nobody warn you about the reality of these things? I understand that most don’t go around casually talking up breastfeeding at a bar. What surprises me is that more people don’t share their titty escapades when they find out you’re expecting. Is it taboo? It’s likely a situation that’s different for everyone, so why bother to freak people out… but if you’re happy to freak people out with your birth story, please feel free to talk to them about the realities of the milky way. Anyway, my right nipple is cracked and painful. Newman’s ointment is beginning to help. This Newman fella is my newest friend.

Yesterday was photo shoot day… that’s something I’ve never said or written before. It made for some fussing in the evening and last night, but O&K were fabulously cooperative in the studio (with the exception of Owen not wanting to be in a bucket, but really, can you blame him?). We were fortunate to get to see an early preview of some shots same-day and I can’t wait to see the rest.

Feb 8th, 2019- Owen
February 8th, 2019- Kayla

Both tiny humans are insatiably hungry today. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Feeding/pooping/growing well. Nothing further to report at this time.

Posted in Motherhood

What day is it? What year is it? Where am I?

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Having two babies and no point of reference for what it’s like to care for only one infant is probably one of the most lucky things about having twins as first born… borns? I think I’ll refer to the next six months as ‘the baby blur’.

I’ve met some people that have had twins and have a toddler at home. I’ve met some people that are solo parenting twins. If you are pulling either of these things off or have higher order multiples, I would like very much to throw you a parade at least twice a year. At the very least, somebody should be drawing you a hot bath.

It’s challenging to figure out how to describe what life is like right now. Personal grooming seems like a luxurious waste of time (charming, I’m sure). Eating remains more for survival and milk production than satiety or taste. Water consumption must be a constant in this warm, arid environment. I am calm in the middle of a vortex of feedings, diapers, gas, odd noises, and cuddle demands.

The diaper changes have been a particularly entertaining part of this adventure. I have learned to recognize the faces during which to never remove a diaper. There can ALWAYS be more poop. When it comes to peeing, either our daughter is a superstar or it turns out that female babies can pee just as high as their male counterparts (though not as far). Always be prepared for a second wee! It’s cute how satisfied they look when their business is done and I swear they think that a diaper change involving multiple diapers is funny.

Kayla

So far, Kayla is always looking around at the world. She sometimes sings (hums) in her sleep and will always coo to her big brother. She loves to hold her feet up in the air and nurses like it’s her profession. She is much more dainty than Owen and has about a million facial expressions at the ready. I think it’s very cool that she has a birthmark in the same place that I did when I was born.

Owen

Owen has the appetite of a marathoner and prefers to guzzle his food (we learned about pace feeding and have been doing that to reduce the amount of air he takes in). He seems to grow every single day and either loves to nurse or doesn’t have the patience for it depending on the time of day. This kid has head control for days. His latest trick is using his legs to try to launch himself or stand.

Both babies seem to be doing things listed under the ‘2-3 month milestones’ in the ‘What To Expect In The First Year’ book. While I am super impressed, I’m also a bit nervous that they’re going to be crawling in no time. Slow down, babies! Have I mentioned that they’re still technically negative 7 days old?

This week we have an appointment to get their hearing checked (they communicate with each other and respond to voices and noises but it seems all newborns get checked to be sure). O&K are also booked in for their first professional photos. Go, babies, go!

Owen and Kayla: They seem to like each other

Posted in Motherhood

Welcome to a New World

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Owen and Kayla were born on January 18th, 2019 at 36 weeks and 4 days. I realise that every single parent feels this way about their children, but THEY ARE PERFECT.

Owen made his way out first at 1557 with a birth weight of 6lbs15oz. Kayla followed shortly behind and was born at 1559 with a weight of 6lbs8oz. I’ll save the ‘birth story’ and hospital details for another post… it will make me a sappy, emotional (but in a full of love way) mess to write about it. The one thing that I will say is that a spinal is an incredible thing.

January 19th, 2019

We were all discharged from the hospital in the late evening on January 20th, but this is the first time that I’m semi-coherent enough and with the potential for half an hour to let the thought train flow into blog ramblings. I can’t promise that many-a-post from this point forward will be anything other than semi-coherent ramblings. As I said, welcome to a new world.

I once asked one of my best friends how it would be possible to love any human more than I love my niece and nephew. I was worried that I could never love anything as much. (She has nephews and is now a parent of two gorgeous children). She told me that your heart just grows. That’s what other people tell you as well- that you can’t describe it until you’ve experienced it. Well, on the 18th, this Grinch’s heart grew three sizes and still feels like it’s going to explode. How in the world did I get so lucky!!!?

Once home, we established as much of a routine as possible with these wonderfully hungry babies. We try (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) to nurse, then we bottle feed, then I hook myself up to be milked. It takes a LOT of talking myself into it to attach my nipples to a suck machine for 20 minutes, 8 times a day. The good news is that it’s paying off. My milk came in on day 3 (rather than the day 5 or later we were told was common after a c-section) and the volume is increasing every day. The goal is to be able to transition to breastfeeding only… but I’m also a realist and will be practical about whether or not I’ll have to do some formula supplementation to support growing two humans. (That being said, I have to believe that after everything, my body can and will be able to provide them what they need). On January 22nd, we went back to the hospital for a follow up with the maternal clinic. Both twins have gained weight since being discharged from the hospital and are down less than 5% from their birth weights. My little champions!

January 22nd, 2019

Every time I look at them, I am amazed that they fit inside of me. They sleep in the same positions that they did on the inside. He stretches out long while she curls her legs up. They are very active, STRONG, and impressively clear at communicating what it is that they need. They even coo back and forth at each other from each of their bassinets. The happy noises they make while eating are the best. It’s like a conversation to compare notes. Being so smitten, I’m trying not to be one of those obnoxious first time parents that bombards the internet with their photos… so far, I am definitely failing.

Many sources have told me that I won’t remember anything from these first weeks because of the haze of sleep deprivation and hormones, so I’d rather go overboard documenting everything. As cliched as it is, they will only be this age once.

Posted in Pregnancy

Anxiety Rising

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Sometimes the psychological struggle is as real as the physical one.

The physical struggle has evolved again, with an escalation in pain, which is constant. In a continued effort to keep my liver happy for the babies, medication for pain relief isn’t so much at option at this time. I’ve been trying to stay distracted; Effective sometimes, other times, not so much (but my sincere thanks to the timing of the NFL playoffs).

Not having previously experienced the “Wow, she could go any day now” or the “Let’s try to figure out if she’s having twins without directly asking or pointing out how massive she is” level of pregnancy, I was NOT aware of all of the factors that gang up together to wage war against your body. For example, a year ago if anyone had tried to tell me that Lightning Crotch is a real thing, I would’ve either thought they were joking or recommended they get that checked out. As it turns out, lightning can strike at any moment… and it does!

The musculoskeletal pain isn’t like any post-workout or sports injury pain, (nor is it like getting kicked by a horse or into a car wreck). I feel like I have a decent point of comparison here since (at different times) I’ve sprained my neck, wrists, ankles and have had to go to physiotherapy for my knees, wrists, and shoulder. Chiropractors and RMTs have also played an important role in previous pain management (a time when I had some insurance coverage). In pregnancy, it feels like your body is actually just coming apart. Will that leg be attached tomorrow? Unsure. Should this part of my body work? Yes. Does it? No. Okay.

Some things fall into both the physical AND psychological categories:

  • being itchy for 10 weeks (and trying to scratch minimally so as not to end up with scars) will stretch your sanity to capacity… because of this experience, I have a bit (or a lot) of rage toward people who ignore a pet’s flea problem
  • a bizarre lack of skin sensation over the surface of the bump… with a belly button that’s not only displaced to the right, but also kind of resembles a pale nipple with two cringe-worthy scars above it (one from surgery, another from a teenage piercing- great idea, past self)
  • stretch marks that have progressed so quickly that they seem to have coalesced into one giant pink and purple blob, with the added beauty of the occasional green bruise (unsure if this is from being pummeled from the inside or something else)
  • Braxton-Hicks… is it go time?!
  • the intermittent siren/squeak in your left ear when your ability to focus is already compromised (to put it gently)

The psychological side of things is harder to share.

First off, I am having a VERY difficult time accepting that I’m going to be conscious while my abdomen is sliced open. And it’s not a small incision- it’s a HUMAN-SIZED INCISION! I try to keep reminding myself that it will be worth it to get to see the babies the moment they come into this world, but let’s just stop and think about it for a minute. They strap your arms down. They rely on regional anesthesia (do NOT google about this failing). You apparently feel pressure and tugging. You’re in a room FULL of (mostly) strangers with both your uterus and vagina exposed. None of these things fill me with anything other than dread.

Yes, I should be reminding myself that they do these surgeries every day, multiple times a day. At some point, I will get my big girl panties back on and stop thinking about it, but not quite yet.

The second imminent source of terror is that I’m going to be a mother… and not just a mother, a MOTHER OF TWO! TWO!!! Did anyone else just hear my brain explode?

You’d think I would’ve accepted, embraced, or even clued into this at some point before now. The closer their births get, the more real it gets, and the more real it gets, the more intimidating it is. People always say (and I agree) that parenting is the most important job that you’ll ever have, but NOBODY TRAINS YOU FOR IT. Babies don’t come with manuals, they come with different quirks. Even those sage people that already have kids keep reminding me that all babies really do in the beginning is eat, sleep, and soil themselves… but not one of them will pretend that the newborn stage is easy.

The past days and months have been the longest of my life, but somehow, this is all happening very quickly. I know it’s important to stay calm for them and for myself. I know that maternal instinct will take over. I also know that things are about to get very real and very hectic. “Yippee ki-yay, mother f*cker!”

Posted in Pregnancy

Pregnancy Dreams- aka the reason I will never have to do hard drugs

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This is the first week that I’ve gone from being fantastically able-bodied to being either hobbled by a gigantic belly or postpartum in my dreams. I guess my subconscious is giving up the fight.

In my dream last night, the babies were toddlers as soon as they were born. They were both healthy, but I was somehow only responsible for taking care of one of them… the other one was around, but seriously independent. I caught this toddler, wearing nothing but a diaper, casually making spaghetti and didn’t even think to myself ‘hmm, I should supervise’.

The one that needed a mom had a giant head. Picture Stewie from Family Guy, but with a round head rather than football-shaped. Also, not a cartoon, which made it a bit creepy. I remember looking at this kid and thinking how relieved I was to have just had a c-section. I was also completely pain free post op for their first day at home (if this part of the dream could be true, I’d be very grateful). As I often do in dreams, we location jumped and were attending a twins/multiples club event. Naturally, this event was held in a youth center/coffee house that also had a bar and live music. The independent twin went off to do a science experiment in another room (again, I didn’t question it). While hanging out with beach-ball head meeting other new parents and babies, I realized that I was bleeding postpartum and not wearing any necessary protection… smooth… and somehow unfortunately plausible. The only other thing I can remember is a never-ending diaper changing struggle, with the ‘babies’ wearing different sized diapers and trying to run away in the process (also plausible, but hopefully not right off the hop).

Weeks ago, I had a dream that Keanu Reeves was delivering the babies, coaching me through breathing and pushing. What? Another dream involved me giving birth to a litter of puppies instead of two tiny humans. I’m still not convinced that real live infants will come out this week but am anxiously awaiting the evidence that I’m not harbouring puppies, toddlers, or dolphins. There have been many, many, MANY other unpredictable dreams, but most of them have had nothing to do with becoming a parent. I also still haven’t ruled out aliens.


This is my mutant belly, with the top image taken about 3 minutes after the lower one. In the lower photo, the less obvious left bump is twin A’s cheeky bottom, and on the right is the protruding head of twin B (so, at least I know these aren’t unicorn or narwhal inhabitants).

Have I mentioned that I’m ready to meet them now?

Posted in Pregnancy

I think I can, I think I can

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The waiting room at the OB’s office was jam packed yesterday… and mine was, BY FAR, the largest belly in the room. I’m currently using it as a table for a 4am snack.

Even though there are only a few things going on, there seem to be a lot of moving parts at this point…

Earlier this week at the ultrasound appointment, baby B had changed position again and is now transverse. Baby A is sitting very low with head engaged, which makes my waddle look even more like a penguin and goose had a lovechild and I’m the result. Ultrasound also showed that my cervix has gotten quite thin (this seems to be called effacement). Because of this, I had to hang out for an extra 3.5 hours or so at the hospital getting MORE blood work (why- I wish I knew) and having the on-call OB have a feel of that cervix herself… It’s still posterior and closed. That makes for 3 blood draws and two very uncomfortable assessments in a week. While I’m becoming much better with blood draws, I’ll take a hard pass on cervical exams.

Both twins measured over 6lbs: A at 6lbs3oz, and B at 6lbs1oz. I’m psyched to see how close these measurements are to what their actual birth weights will be. This was the last time that size will be assessed until we meet them. Gah- that’s crazy!!!

Palsy update: My left eye still needs lubricating ointment, but I can *almost* blink it completely. My smile is still impressively crooked, but this is somewhat less obvious with a close-lipped half smile. My eyebrow moves again and is close to being the same height as the right one. I’ve been hearing the pulse in my left ear off and on as either a siren or a high pitched squeak for the past week. Yes, yes it is annoying.

Sleep update: You could actually set a clock based on how frequently I have to get up during the night to pee. It’s exactly every two hours. I’ll be ready for this schedule if my little nipple torturers need to eat this frequently in the beginning. If I have to roll over before getting up, I inevitably end up flailing like a turtle stuck on it’s back trying to right myself in the process. I’m grateful for bed posts and functional arms… and that nobody is around to see.

Intrahepatic cholestasis and anemia update: The bile acids number has gone back up again (not good), but not as high as when it ‘sky rocketed’ (so, not as bad as it’s been). I have to get more fasted blood work this week to see where things are sitting (unfortunately, there’s a huge lag period before you get the bile acids result back, but they still want to know and the test results for everything else will be same-day). The good news on the anemia front is that my hemoglobin has gone up by 26 points since the iron infusions. It still isn’t into the normal range, but dude, big improvement! Brief thyroid update: The dose of my thyroid hormone medication is getting temporarily increased a little bit. Hoping I can come off of that (and EVERYTHING except my multivitamin) postpartum… but I know it will take a bit of time and some follow up.

Getting these babies out: After much deliberation and a long talk with my OB today (impressed with the amount of time he took to explain all potential scenarios), I have finally firmly decided that a c-section will be the safest exit strategy for these bundles of screaming love. There is a c-section booked!! We’ve already made it further than anticipated and now the official countdown is on!!…And, if we don’t make it to the scheduled date, that’s fine too.

I won’t bore you with the struggle of what my body is going through at this point; There are too many good things to look forward to today. Time for two more hours of sleep!

Posted in Pregnancy

2019, you win… for now

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Forget one day at a time, we are now taking things one hour at a time.

From when I posted last, the babies became uncharacteristically active (which is a LOT of activity considering their normal), and I began to have some consistent cramping. We were told that odd increases in activity can mean fetal distress, so from that point there was no hesitation to go into the hospital to get checked out.

Non-stress tests for babies: all good. Little contractions: present. Cervix (yes, I’m sorry that you have to hear about my cervix): still high and closed. Ultrasound the following morning: babies measured 6/8 on their biophysical profiles, which is still a pass, but not my preference since they’ve both been scoring 8/8 for the past few weeks. BUT wait, there’s more! In that flurry of activity, baby B flipped and is now breech (I figure part of that ripping feeling was B pushing out until there was enough room to turn- little rascal).

So, I was admitted and kept for two nights on IV fluids (if you want to see if your toes start to look like tiny cocktail sausages, try 3L of ringer’s in less than 24 hours). My uterus did calm down eventually (which is both good news and slightly disappointing). The babies were monitored closely and I had a couple of rounds of blood tests before getting to come back home.

Despite the fact that my hips and back have never hurt so badly, and my abdominal muscles no longer seem capable of functioning or helping to hold the baby weight, home is nice. There’s pillow mountain, dogs that I’ve accidentally trained to want to share my apple slices and last bit of yoghurt, and no threat of an internal exam.

Tomorrow, the babies will be 35 weeks old! It will be time for another ultrasound for growth assessment and biophysical profiles (you kids practice your breathing, please) and another non-stress test. Mid-week is the next OB appointment. From what he was saying at the hospital, it looks like I’ll be getting a c-section date at that appointment (unless B has flipped again, which it doesn’t feel like there could possibly be enough room to do). I’ll consider calculating the number of hours to get through until surgery, but unless that number is less than 48, I won’t punish myself like that.

To anyone that has been through this and been stoic the entire time: you are a rockstar. I’m more like a toadstool.

Click here to see baby movement: http://just2000.temp.domains/~learniu9/img_1906_trim/

Posted in Pregnancy

We made it to 2019

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Happy New Year to all!

I’m cheery today because one of my best friends came to visit and my face has improved a lot over the past few days (unrelated events, but both still exciting). My appetite has also been making a hit and miss comeback since they’ve dropped. It’s been gone for so long that it feels brand new to have it back. A very nice start to the year!

In my mind, I’m on a beach sun baking instead of trying to find a comfortable position in bed. I think I’ll stay there until our 2019 babies are ready.

Edit: Well, tonight has gone back to being pukey and ridiculously painful for the past few hours. Remember that ripping sensation that I mentioned previously? It’s like that (feeling of my abdominal muscles tearing), only over a much more widespread area at once. Doubt it’s anything other than another big growth spurt, but may go get checked out if it persists. On the bright side, I’ve decided that my next full marathon is going to feel like a massage compared to pregnancy.